April 22, 2011
Van Damme comes with a whole can
Of personal clichés.
He's got a Macho Man
Set of repetitive themes.
Kickboxer, upon reflection,
Almost seems like a grown-up's
Version of the Karate Kid;
This may just be my deduction.
It's my understanding
That the success of Kickboxer
Spawned multiple non-
Van Damme sequels.
This is 1989.
This is near Bloodsport
And Cyborg in filming sequence.
This, and Bloodsport start a trend.
A mega Van Damme cliché
Is the triumphant underdog.
As far as these go, Kickboxer's okay.
Did they have to pick the least realistic brother?
Van Damme's accent is usually
Cleverly tucked in to the story:
French, Quebecois, Cajun.
This one was, "I grew up in France, yo!"
My real beef is the brother:
0 resemblance. Random buddy bond.
An absolutely unbelievable relative.
Abba-so-loot-lee no familial-belief.
The plot is pretty normal:
Van Damme's brother gets crippled for life
In a brutal fighting competition.
This brings our lead man to revenge.
We have scenes wherein we fear
For the safety, and health of Van Damme's nuts.
We have many nice scenes of physical skills.
Training montage: included.
Tong Po, our bad guy,
Is pretty sinister.
A reoccuring foe, I see;
I wouldn't wanna fuck with this guy.
As per usual: the end fight scene
Is the most crucial;
Wherein the sideline brother
Faces the bad guy, traditional style.
Showdown: kidnapping subplot,
Final proving battle.
Van Damme gets his ass handed to him;
Short training, versus expertise.
Underdog rage saves the day.
Tong Po, in addition to mulching JCVD's bro,
Raped our hero's lady, yo.
Cue gaining sudden upperhand, cue justified ass-kicking.
Enter: slo-mo primal rage.
Enter: Van Damme moving out of traditional,
And chuck-steaking modern style
To whoop Tong Po's evil ass.
(Is it just me, or is Van Damme,
In primal slo-mo,
The funniest-sounding shit in the world?
"Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.")
With a final, poised kick to
The teeth, Tong Po goes down.
Hooray, random 80s victory power ballad.
"Never surrender!"
